Gender Blog by Darlene Tando, LCSW

This is in response to the Executive Order from the White House on 1/29/25, targeting teachers honoring the authentic gender identity of their students.

The order talks about “indoctrination” and “gender ideology”. The fear-mongering and gaslighting used in this order involves the notion that many adults (teachers and medical professionals) are intent on changing cisgender children into transgender children. This simply cannot be done. Gender identity is inherent within all of us. Similarly, no one can make a transgender child cisgender. Which is why it is so imperative to listen, honor, and affirm. Additionally, the use of the term “gender ideology” implies that the understanding/knowledge of gender is moving beyond traditional beliefs about designated sex determining gender, and the gender binary. Why yes, yes it is. Understanding of gender is always evolving and it has been growing more and more evident with time that traditional beliefs about gender are limiting, inaccurate, and outdated.

Indoctrination implies something is being forced to be accepted “uncritically”. From where I stand, affirming transgender youth has always been looked at with a critical eye. However, anyone or any organization doing this work with transgender youth agree that following the youth’s lead when it comes to their asserted gender identity is best practice. Those who listen to and support transgender youth telling them who they are do so in response to the gender identity shared with them, they do not initiate or create this in the child.

Is it best to affirm them and tell them any way they are is OK? Yes. That is not indoctrination. That is affirmation. Is it best for others around them to listen to them, affirm them, and honor their authentic gender identity? Yes. That is not indoctrination. That is allyship. That is affirmation in action.

Oh, and students cannot learn math when their identities are being ignored.

The order references teachers “facilitating social transition”. This gives the impression that the teachers are driving the decisions. What happens in reality is that transgender youth sometimes ask to be referred to at school by their chosen name and pronouns that reflect their authentic gender, sometimes before they are ready to be (or before it is safe to be) “out” at home. This is only a partial aspect of social transition and not a complete social transition (in all settings). It is done at the student’s request. Doing so (without the threat of forced disclosure) is honoring a youth’s identity, dignity, and right to feel safe at school. Social transition, and the order of settings in which this is achieved, is individualized and should be driven by the youth themselves.

The Administration again undermines itself by including blatantly false information in this order. It implies that teachers are also facilitating medical transition without parental consent. This cannot be done. Parental consent has to be given for any medical gender-affirming intervention. Parents often DO consent to this because they see the pain dysphoria causes, and the relief medical interventions provide.

The executive order lists that teachers are not allowed to sexually exploit minors directly before stating they should not be “practicing medicine” or “facilitating social transition”. This is purposeful. If the implication is that affirming a youth’s gender comes anywhere near sexually exploiting a student, teachers will be less willing and less equipped to stand up for what is right by affirming the youth’s asserted gender identity. There is nothing sexual about honoring one’s gender identity. We all have one, and having that honored is a basic human right.

As I was writing this blog post, a friend sent me a screenshot of a post from the California Department of Education. It thrilled and relieved me; I hope it does to you as well.

“President Trump signed an executive order today that does nothing but require the Secretary of Education to determine what federal education funds can legally be rescinded as a penalty for teaching curricula that President Trump finds objectionable.

We can give the Trump Administration that answer right now: nothing. Is it against federal law for the White House to dictate what educators can and cannot teach by threatening to defund essential public services for students. School curriculum should not vacillate back and forth depending on the occupant of the White House, which is why federal law already prohibits the federal government from leveraging grants to mandate specific instructional content in schools.“

In solidarity!

Hello to my blog readers, new and old: I have not written a blog post for almost 5 years. I chose to stop writing regular blogs in an attempt to center Trans voices. However, all of us need to stand up and have a voice right now for the transgender community. We will persist in doing the right thing, in the face of rampant adversity, transphobia, and misinformation. I stand with all of you.

The White House released an Executive Order on 1/28/25 that was geared to undermine the practice of medically affirming transgender youth in our country. Those who understand gender dysphoria read the order in disbelief, floored by how what is actually a life-saving, euphoria-inducing, affirming process be reduced to something implied to be negative and harmful. To those reading the order who don’t know a lot about transgender youth or gender dysphoria, fear-mongering was in full force with sensationalistic words like “chemical and surgical mutilation”. I would imagine most folks reading the order, no matter how involved with or informed about transgender youth, are against the mutilation of children. When presented like that, in creates a fear-based, resistant view of important gender-affirming interventions. This is purposeful.

The reality of gender affirming care for youth is this: medication is used to intervene with a process that causes distressing and often times life-threatening dysphoria. Hormones, which everyone has, are later used to allow one’s body to change in a way that feels right to them. There is extreme relief inherent in the process of blocking an unwanted puberty and then initiating a wanted one. If one undergoes surgery to change their bodies in a way that more accurately represents who they are, this is essentially the antithesis to mutilation. Youth who cannot access gender-affirming interventions are more at risk of actually mutilating their own bodies. Gender affirming care simply does not fall into this category. Parents who sign on off on these interventions do so because it has become clear it is the right, and necessary, thing to do for their child’s quality of life and mental health. It is an act of love. No order implying otherwise can undermine this reality.

A crucial, affirming process was misrepresented and coated in lies to instill fear and resistance in the general population, and to justify transphobia rampant in this administration. However, those of us in the know realize how dangerous and devastating this rhetoric is to transgender youth, and to the community at large.

The fear/myth of trans regret is an overstated narrative used to scare people away from believing and supporting trans identities, and is weaponized to undermine crucial and life-saving gender affirmation (social, hormonal, and medical). In the recent Executive Order, The White House indicated that many children transition against their will and later live to regret any changes that came from gender affirming interventions. This simply isn’t true. Multiple large-scale studies have recently shown that an overwhelming majority of those who seek gender-affirming care are satisfied with the outcomes and persist in their asserted, authentic gender identity.

While there may be a handful of folks in power in the current administration who are strongly uninformed and opposed to affirming transgender children, multiple respectable and long-standing organizations are in agreement with and support the idea of affirming children when they express a different gender identity than their designated sex at birth.

The American Medical Association (AMA), American Psychological Association (APA), American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), Endocrine Society, World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) and National Institutes of Health (NIH) are some but not all of the major organizations that support gender-affirming care as a best practice.  

 Recent studies:

JAMAPediatrics | Original Investigation: March 2024: findings indicate that a small proportion of patients, and a very small proportion of those who initiated medical gender-affirming treatment, reidentified with their birth-registered sex during the study period.

Trans Youth Project [Kristina R. Olson & Selin Gülgöz]: May 2022: Young children who transition to a new gender with social changes are likely to continue identifying as that gender five years later. The study found that 2.5 percent of the group had reverted to identifying as the gender they were assigned at birth.

Gender GP: Detransition Facts and Statistics 2022: On average, 97% of people who are transgender are happy with their decision to transition. Only ~3% of trans people experience some form of regret, but may not detransition. Only 5% of people who detransitioned (0.4% of all trans people) did so because they felt the transition was not right for them.

American Journal of Surgery, April 2024: regret following gender affirming surgery is remarkably low, below 1%, compared to various elective surgeries and important life decisions.

In any trans individual’s journey (youth or otherwise), there can be changes and course corrections along the way. Gender is often an evolving aspect of self that deserves exploration and support of wherever the person is on their path. Current best practice is to believe and affirm one’s asserted gender identity, at every age.

The recent executive order undermines itself by using language that has been denounced by organizations who are actually informed about gender dysphoria. “Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria” (ROGD) is not a recognized medical or psychological diagnosis because it is not based on sound scientific research or established clinical criteria. The term was coined in 2016 by a researcher named Lisa Littman, but her study and the concept it introduced have been heavily criticized for methodological flaws, misinterpretation of data, and lack of peer-reviewed support.

From Wikipedia:

“Rapid-onset gender dysphoria (ROGD) is a controversial, scientifically unsupported hypothesis which claims that some adolescents identify as transgender and experience gender dysphoria due to peer influence and social contagion, particularly those assigned female at birth. ROGD is not recognized as a valid mental health diagnosis by any major professional association. The APA, WPATH and 60 other medical professional organizations have called for its elimination from clinical settings due to a lack of reputable scientific evidence for the concept, major methodological issues in existing research, and its stigmatization of gender-affirming care for transgender youth.”

It is certainly scary to see those in power making such uninformed statements, and making rules that threaten the safety and well-being of the transgender youth, and those who love them, in our country. We are witnessing a national gaslighting, presenting a false, alternate reality as facts. Know that no matter how many orders are distributed, the truth cannot be erased. Trans people have always existed and will always exist; to embrace and affirm them will always be the way.

Ever since the quarantine due to COVID-19, I’ve been meeting with my clients via teletherapy, or therapy over video. Of course, living during a global pandemic has an element of stress for everyone. This is new, unchartered, and scary territory. Some of my teen clients are struggling with the lack of social interaction in person. Developmentally, friendships and social relationships are often the most important things in an adolescent’s life. However, for the majority of my clients with gender dysphoria, social distancing is a welcome thing. For those with gender dysphoria, interaction with society can be one of the most distressing things in their day to day life. They may feel “misread” or misunderstood, and this often results in being misgendered. For those who get to stay home with the people who understand them and gender them correctly, this quarantine brings an element of relief. Not to mention, not having to contend with bathroom anxiety!

Additionally, this poses a unique opportunity to those who are contemplating or undergoing social or hormonal transition. Please note, due to the setting of where I see clients (private practice) and my specialty (gender), many of my clients have affirming families. I know this is not the case for many, many gender-expansive and transgender youth across the country, and the globe.

For gender-expansive or transgender children, attending school and interacting with peers can be a tricky undertaking. They are likely choosing their gender expression carefully to either assert who they really are or to avoid getting teased. This can be exhausting! During this time of school closures and quarantine, my gender-expansive clients have the unique opportunity to be “backstage“ with their families rather than on stage, at school.

This rare situation allows some children to express themselves authentically, all day every day for a little while, rather than only “after school“ or for distinct hours while at home. Upon hearing about the school closure, one of my kiddos promptly had their father buy them an “Ariana Grande” wig and has been gleefully wearing it at home every day, something they would not dare to do at school. This child also requested getting fake nails during this time of quarantine. I could see their mother’s smile and the understanding on her face at how quickly her child was realizing possibilities of expression now that they would be only seeing family for the next several weeks.

Additionally, this is an unforeseen, almost perfect platform for the child who is considering or starting social transition. Sometimes, families will help the child “try on” new names and pronouns at home to see how it feels to the child. This can be tricky when parents need to use one set of pronouns at home and one set of pronouns at school/in society. While everyone is staying at home, this is the perfect time to practice! This will allow kids to feel the safety of being known and hearing the words they so desperately need to hear in affirmation, without balancing two separate settings and contributing to anxiety.

For some clients eagerly awaiting their first appointment for hormone therapy, this pandemic could unfortunately postpone the initiation of hormones. For many, getting an appointment for hormones has been a long time coming already, so any type of delay can cause extreme distress. I know some providers who are doing this via telemedicine, and if not it’s essential to find a way to get an in-person appointments as soon as possible.

Sometimes, starting hormones (and waiting to see their effects) can feel very slow. I’ve heard clients say they wish they could sleep for a few months and wake up with some changes having taken effect. For my clients who started hormones just prior to the quarantine, this is an incredibly unique opportunity for them to stay at home and wait for changes before emerging back out into society. As one of my clients (who started Testosterone just before sheltering in place) put it, “It’s like I can stay in this little cocoon while I undergo a bit of transformation!” I’m enjoying witnessing these little positive opportunities given to my clients in this largely difficult and unexpected circumstance.

Have YOU noticed any opportunities afforded by the quarantine? Please comment below.

This blog outlines some unique opportunities presented to transgender individuals during a quarantine, but is not meant to minimize the struggles quarantine can present for the general population or transgender folk. My friend and colleague, Dr. Huong Diep, wrote an article about the unique challenges that can be presented during this time.  Click here to read the article.

Language and knowledge is always evolving, therefore so should my gender worksheets! 🙂 Here is the most recent version of my worksheet, always evolving and being updated.  I found a way to expand the concepts of gender, while hoping to keep it as simple as possible for the little ones. Please feel free to utilize this with your child or in your practice!

The best way to do it is to read over the information at the top without pausing or looking at the child. Then, when it’s time to “fill in the blanks”, poise your pen over the answers and wait to hear the child say them. Try your best not to look at them or have a reaction. This helps avoid “leading” them in any way or have them change their answers based on your response.

I hope many of you find this helpful! Feedback welcome!

newworksheet2019

In 2015, I had a lot of fun creating a fun and uplifting video montage to Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off” video. To view that video, click HERE.

I decided it was time to create a new one! This year, I used “Can’t Stop the Feeling” by Justin Timberlake. I had such a wonderful time putting together all the videos people sent me. To see the JOY on these faces touches my heart in a way that is hard to explain. I hope you enjoy watching it as much as I enjoyed creating it!  Click HERE.

A big part of what I do is helping individuals explore their gender, assert their true gender identity, and help family members adjust to transitions that occur. In addition to this, I’m a big believer in changing our society’s understanding of gender so that we can pave an easier path for LGBT youth (and adults, for that matter!). In my presentations, I talk about Blank Slate Parenting as a way to point out parents really don’t know the gender and sexual orientation of their child until the child/teen is able to share it with them.  I also included this concept in my book, The Conscious Parent’s Guide to Gender Identity. Here is the excerpt:

“Blank slate” parenting is the ability for a parent to enter into parenthood without too many assumptions and expectations. This may sound difficult, but it is possible. Most parents enter into parenthood with some basic assumptions: their child is going to be cisgender (their gender identity “matches” their birth sex), gender conforming (their interests and expressions are in line with what most expect from their birth gender), and heterosexual. Considering that many children are not these things, these assumptions may be inaccurate and possibly detrimental for both the parent and the child. Unless a parent is having an intersex baby, the parent will likely find out they are having a natal male or a natal female, either during the pregnancy or when the baby is born. Once this is revealed, all sorts of associations are created! If the child is a natal male (born with male anatomy), the parents will likely assume the child will always identify as a boy and will engage in the “typical” interests and affinities of most boys. If the child is a natal female (born with female anatomy), the parents will assume that she will always identify as a girl and will engage in the “typical” interests and affinities of what society expects girls to be interested in. If the child is a natal female, parents often assume they will one day be interested in males. If the child is a natal male, parents often assume they will one day be interested in females.

Even if these assumptions are not explicitly stated, they will implicitly become the foundation of what your child understands is expected of them. Children have an inherent need to please their parents, so feeling “other than” what their parents expect can range from uncomfortable to downright scary. Anything other than what has been envisioned and assumed results in the parents needing to make a “shift” in what they had expected. The nature of the shift will depend on how tied the parents are to their expectations, and what this difference means to them personally, socially, and culturally.

What if, instead of adopting these basic assumptions, parents remained open to who or what their child is or will become? What if parents provided a blank canvas for their child to paint, rather than providing a paint-by-numbers template? What if society evolved to the extent that people understood the difference between sex and gender, and the knowledge that some people are simply born transgender? Imagine how much easier it would be if parents understood not to get too attached to the sex of their child at birth! What if parents learned to ask “Do you feel like a boy or a girl? Both? Or neither?” instead of telling the child who they are based on anatomy?

What if society at large acknowledged being gay/lesbian/bisexual as a natural way to be, a way of being that is just as valid and recognized as heterosexual? What if parents learned to say, “Do you like boys or girls? Both? Or neither?” instead of making assumptions of a heteronormative nature?

Parenting from a blank slate standpoint would essentially eliminate the “coming out” process. Children would be able to evolve and share as their identities developed. They would not have to hide parts of who they are for fear they might be disappointing their parents. They would not have to overcome the expectations/assumptions that were placed on them at birth. They would simply be their authentic selves, and parents would know these selves sooner rather than later.

Rather than making assumptions, ask questions, often and early, to help learn who your child is. The questions will serve two purposes: you will learn about your child, and your child will learn that there is a beautiful spectrum of human diversity, not just boxes in which one has to fit. In order to provide a blank slate for your child so that they can be free to display their authentic self, you must be mindful of your own projections and assumptions. Such things impede the ability of your child have an actual blank slate on which to create. Recognize your child is their own individual being, and that you are lucky to witness their true self unfold. Remain curious about how this little individual will turn out. Your message to your child, both implicitly and explicitly should always be: “Any way you are is OK.”

More tips for “blank slate” parenting:

• Instead of assuming and then waiting for them to correct you, ask about who your child is.
• Expose them to and talk about diversity: different family structures, identities, and communities.
• Be aware of language. Avoid using the gender dichotomy like “boys and girls”. Try not to use strongly gendered language to refer to your child and others. Incorporate many gender-neutral phrases and expressions to allow more space for your child to decide how they relate to gender.

Excerpted from The Conscious Parent’s Guide to Gender Identity: A Mindful Approach to Embracing Your Child’s Authentic Self by Darlene Tando. Copyright © 2016 F+W Media, Inc.  Used by permission of the publisher. All rights reserved

This excerpt was also recently featured on the Mother.ly website here. 

I had a lot of fun creating a music video montage to Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” song. My goal of this video is to raise awareness and acceptance of transgender youth and adults. Being transgender is NOT a mental illness, it is just a variation of the human condition. We need more understanding and more allies!! Those who are transgender should not live in shame or in fear of coming out. And for those who face adversity every day, here is my reminder to try your best to “shake it off”. For any one person who is against you, there are more people who will stand for you.

A sincere thanks to everyone who contributed videos for this project, and to my sister Emily who sang the modified lyrics.

Enjoy the video below, and feel free to share! 🙂