My Book: The Conscious Parent’s Guide to Gender Identity

Many of you have probably been wondering why my blog has been so inactive lately. Well, I wrote a book! F + W Media, Inc. has a series called “The Conscious Parent’s Guide To…” about a number of different topics. They wanted to publish one on gender identity, found me through this blog, and asked me to write it! I was happy to have the opportunity to write about how to best support gender expansive kids to a more wide-reaching audience. I truly hope it helps a lot of families.

The book is ideal for parents/guardians of gender expansive kids, but could also be useful for extended family members, therapists, teachers; anyone involved in a gender expansive child’s life. Click here to order your copy: The Conscious Parent’s Guide to Gender Identity: A Mindful Approach to Embracing Your Child’s Authentic Self.

I do want to add that I did not write Chapter 1. Chapter 1 is the standard chapter for all of the Conscious Parent’s Guides. I only added in the parts related to gender. So, if you don’t love Chapter 1- keep going. 🙂 If you liked Chapter 1 best, sorry. 😉

In addition to the overview in Chapter 1 about conscious parenting, there are ways to incorporate being a mindful, conscious parent throughout the book. This is so much more than just being “present”, it’s about recognizing your little human as a separate being, with their own unique will and spirit. I write about how to best connect with your child in order to be most receptive to what they are trying to tell you.

I write about the differences between gender and sex, gender identity and sexual orientation, gender expression vs. gender identity, and what gender “expansiveness” really is. This not only helps those involved in a gender expansive child’s life understand these concepts, but helps explain them to others.

I discuss the concept of getting to know one’s child for who they are from the beginning, rather than making assumptions that later need to be shifted or undone. I write about parenting gender expansive children, and the difference between being transgender and “just” gender expansive. In the book you will find practical tips for interacting with and advocating for your gender expansive and/or transgender child, while learning how to trust yourself and appreciate life at the same time.

Later in the book there is more specific information for families who have a child in need of social or medical transition: how/when to navigate interventions, coping with outside influences/reactions, siblings, extended family, schools, etc. There is a specific chapter dedicated to “helping your gender expansive child with teasing”, based on the concepts I present at gender conferences. There is also a specific chapter dedicated to dysphoria, which is important for everyone involved in a transgender child’s life to understand.

The appendixes include some resources I hope you will find helpful, including ways of looking at natal sex/gender identity/gender expression/sexual orientation on spectrums, or on more of a fluid shape. There is a list of “Classroom Rules” to help classrooms promote diversity. There is also a worksheet for children who may need some help in understanding when a friend or loved one is going through transition. Last but not least, there is a sample letter from parents informing their loved ones about their child’s social transition.

Let me know how you like the book, and leave an honest review on Amazon! Thank you so much for your ongoing support of this blog, I promise to get back to writing regular posts soon.

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Trans*Forming the Dialogue

Trans*forming the Dialogue Logo

I am participating in Trans*forming the Dialogue, Simmons College’s Online MSW Program’s campaign to promote an educational conversation about the transgender community. This campaign was designed to shift the conversation away from the problematic questions that are often asked of the members transgender community and foster a more progressive dialogue. I was asked to be a “featured voice” in this campaign and provide my prospective about what TO ask and what NOT to ask trans* people. Of course, I am but one voice in the sea of many, please check out the other responses here!

The prompt: What are the do’s and dont’s when asking a trans* person about their experiences?

  • What are 2 – 3 questions that one should NOT be asking a transgender person?
  • What are 2 – 3 questions that one SHOULD be asking a transgender person?

I decided to go about this a little differently. Instead of listing specific questions one should or should not ask transgender people, I came up with guidelines for deciding which questions are appropriate and which ones are not.

Know the Basics

Before you begin asking too many questions of the transgender individual, do some research on the basics. Many times when someone is revealing their “true” gender, or their brain gender identity, others go straight for the anatomy of the individual. Anatomy is about natal sex, not gender. The transgender individual likely wants you to understand more about how they feel on the inside, not about what their body looks like. Read my blog post here for more information about Gender Vs. Sex. Additionally, it will be helpful for you to understand the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation. If you don’t, you might accidentally start focusing on the individual’s romantic life or sexual behaviors when they are trying to tell you about who they are. 🙂 Read more about this distinction here.

Use Empathy

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. It’s important to remember the transgender person is not there simply to educate you or satisfy your curiosity. They are a person, just like you, living their life. Try to figure out what kinds of questions you would like to be asked, and go from there. Would you want to be asked details about your potentially painful past? Probably not. Would you want to be asked details about your genitalia? Most likely not. See my blog post “What’s In YOUR Pants?? (They’re called “privates” for a reason) for more on this. What would you want someone to ask you about? You would probably want people to ask how you are, how your loved ones are, and what you’ve been staying busy with. Ask!

Stay in the Now

The transgender person in front of you is not living in the past or the future, they are living in the present. Stay in it with them. What name they were given at birth, the process of their transition, their plans for medical intervention in the future, etc. do not give you a sense for what that person is about, today. Ask them about their here and now, in general terms. If the transgender individual’s gender identity or transition comes up in this conversation, that means it is relevant for them in the present.

Think in Terms of Solidarity

If you think of yourself in a different category than transgender people, a separation is created that does not need to exist. We all have gender identity, and that makes us capable of understanding it. You don’t have to have gone through something exactly as someone else has to relate to that person. Many of the problems transgender individuals face is in regards to stigma, discrimination, and lack of understanding from society at large. Since we are all a part of society, we are all capable of creating change. Make sure you are using the correct name and pronouns for the individual. Speak up if you hear someone who is not. Speak up if you hear transphobic language, practices, policies, or potentially unwelcoming spaces for transgender individuals.

Think Beyond the Binary

Society tends to operate as though there are two genders, male and female. In reality, gender is on a spectrum and male and female are but two genders on it. Every person is the expert on their own gender identity. Trust what they say to be true for them, even if you can’t relate to it or haven’t heard of it before. Some people feel male or female. Some people feel both, and some people feel neither. Some people feel more one gender than another, and some fluctuate from day to day. Operate from the standpoint that you are there to honor and respect their gender, not decide what it is or what you are comfortable with. The only way to have a relationship with someone is to honor them for who they truly are.

Happy Conversing! 🙂

RLE- Really!? Why requirement for “Real Life Experience” is/was detrimental

Recently in my quest for a doctor to provide hormones for a teenager outside of San Diego, the issue of “Real Life Experience” came up. The doctor made reference to the fact that this teen had “less than a year of Real Life Experience”. I wanted to respond, “Really!? This teen, who has minimal family support or advocacy, has socially transitioned and has tried to present as male for almost a year, with no medical assistance??”. I think that’s amazing. Another doctor told a (then future) client of mine he would need at least 3 months of RLE before getting any type of medical assistance with transitioning. This is an overwhelming concept for most, and I’m glad my client pursued a session with me even after that! I think asking someone to have “real life experience” as the gender with which they identify in order to receive hormones is like asking someone to earn a prosthetic leg by running a marathon!

For those of you who don’t know, “Real Life Experience” used to be a REQUIREMENT for those seeking gender transition. It is, thankfully, becoming an antiquated concept. In the Standards of Care Version 6 (2001), the Real Life Experience is defined this way:  “The act of fully adopting a new or evolving gender role or gender presentation in everyday life is known as the real-life experience. The real-life experience is essential to the transition to the gender role that is congruent with the patient’s gender identity. Since changing one’s gender presentation has immediate profound personal and social consequences, the decision to do so should be preceded by an awareness of what the familial, vocational, interpersonal, educational, economic, and legal consequences are likely to be. Professionals have a responsibility to discuss these predictable consequences with their patients. Change of gender role and presentation can be an important factor in employment discrimination, divorce, marital problems, and the restriction or loss of visitation rights with children. These represent external reality issues that must be confronted for success in the new gender presentation. These consequences may be quite different from what the patient imagined prior to undertaking the real-life experiences. However, not all changes are negative.”

Yes, there may be negative outcomes to transitioning. Transitioning can be one of the most (if not the most) stressful undertakings an individual ever experiences in his or her lifetime. However, these negative outcomes are not a reason not to do it, they are side effects of someone living true to one’s self.  Asking someone to transition without any assistance medically is quite simply a set-up for more discrimination, and decreases the chance of a positive outcome. The ability to present more as the gender with which someone identifies while transitioning increases the chance of being accepted and acknowledged as one’s asserted gender. This individual described it beautifully:

“Whilst individuals vary greatly, some people have considerably more difficulty being read as their gender prior to HRT [Hormone Replacement Therapy], and AMAB (Assigned Male at Birth) people are more likely to receive certain forms of harassment if people read them incorrectly. Forcing people into public facing roles to get the treatment they need puts them at direct risk of violence, harassment and discrimination.  What ‘real life’ is being experienced? From my own and others’ experience, I know that living full time as a woman pre HRT is vastly different to being full-time after a year on HRT. The near daily abuse and marginalization, with incumbent stress, is not the real life I’m experiencing now, but was a feature of living as a woman who was visibly trans*. The RLE required is entirely unrepresentative.”

In my opinion, the Real Life Experience requirement was a very tricky, if not dangerous, requirement for kids or adults to do before receiving hormone treatment. Being teased, rejected, and bullied can be more of a risk when one is trying to present as the “opposite” gender and not being able to pass due the presence of natal sex markers and the absence of traits of one’s asserted gender. I understand it feels riskier to prescribe quickly with a youth, but the decision-making should be based more on how consistent and persistent his male gender identity has been, his distress at being read as female, etc. Doctors seem to be just as resistant to prescribing hormones right away for adults who have decided to transition. So many people are worried about making certain the individual is “sure”. I can understand this, however- how many people do you think are going to decide to transition when they are unsure about their gender identity, really? The most common source of indecision is the choice about if/when to transition, not one’s gender identity. About that most people are sure, especially when they make the big decision to undergo gender transition.  Attempting to transition while struggling to “pass” may make someone more unsure about their decision to transition, but doesn’t change their gender identity.

I recently watched “TRANS”, a documentary feature film.  When speaking about Christine McGinn, a successful and eloquent doctor, they tell about the steps of her transition like this: “First, live life as a woman.”  Really?! That’s FIRST?? With no medical assistance of hormones to soften male facial structure, redistribute body fat, etc.? Just simply, “live life as a woman”? This seems completely backwards. It simply makes more sense to create physical changes first to assist in passing as one’s asserted gender (the gender identity in line with their brain).  Allowing a transgender individual to medically transition IS the way to allow them to get on with life- their real life. Making medical transition harder and less accessible is a sure way to increase stress, depression, and the risk of suicide in a population that already struggles with these issues far more than the general population.

Wondering what the current version (Version 7, 2011) of the Standards of Care says about “Real Life Experience”?  From a weblog written by Dr. Kelley Winters: “The tone and language of the SOC7 are more positive than in previous versions, with more emphasis on care and less emphasis on barriers to care. Some highlights include […] removal of the three month requirement for either “real life experience” (living in a congruent gender role) or psychotherapy before access to hormonal care.” Although this obstacle has been removed, “12 continuous months of living in a gender role that is congruent with their gender identity” is still recommended prior to “bottom surgery”.

Here’s to you, and living YOUR real life, whatever that may be.