A Silver Lining? Opportunities During a Quarantine

Ever since the quarantine due to COVID-19, I’ve been meeting with my clients via teletherapy, or therapy over video. Of course, living during a global pandemic has an element of stress for everyone. This is new, unchartered, and scary territory. Some of my teen clients are struggling with the lack of social interaction in person. Developmentally, friendships and social relationships are often the most important things in an adolescent’s life. However, for the majority of my clients with gender dysphoria, social distancing is a welcome thing. For those with gender dysphoria, interaction with society can be one of the most distressing things in their day to day life. They may feel “misread” or misunderstood, and this often results in being misgendered. For those who get to stay home with the people who understand them and gender them correctly, this quarantine brings an element of relief. Not to mention, not having to contend with bathroom anxiety!

Additionally, this poses a unique opportunity to those who are contemplating or undergoing social or hormonal transition. Please note, due to the setting of where I see clients (private practice) and my specialty (gender), many of my clients have affirming families. I know this is not the case for many, many gender-expansive and transgender youth across the country, and the globe.

For gender-expansive or transgender children, attending school and interacting with peers can be a tricky undertaking. They are likely choosing their gender expression carefully to either assert who they really are or to avoid getting teased. This can be exhausting! During this time of school closures and quarantine, my gender-expansive clients have the unique opportunity to be “backstage“ with their families rather than on stage, at school.

This rare situation allows some children to express themselves authentically, all day every day for a little while, rather than only “after school“ or for distinct hours while at home. Upon hearing about the school closure, one of my kiddos promptly had their father buy them an “Ariana Grande” wig and has been gleefully wearing it at home every day, something they would not dare to do at school. This child also requested getting fake nails during this time of quarantine. I could see their mother’s smile and the understanding on her face at how quickly her child was realizing possibilities of expression now that they would be only seeing family for the next several weeks.

Additionally, this is an unforeseen, almost perfect platform for the child who is considering or starting social transition. Sometimes, families will help the child “try on” new names and pronouns at home to see how it feels to the child. This can be tricky when parents need to use one set of pronouns at home and one set of pronouns at school/in society. While everyone is staying at home, this is the perfect time to practice! This will allow kids to feel the safety of being known and hearing the words they so desperately need to hear in affirmation, without balancing two separate settings and contributing to anxiety.

For some clients eagerly awaiting their first appointment for hormone therapy, this pandemic could unfortunately postpone the initiation of hormones. For many, getting an appointment for hormones has been a long time coming already, so any type of delay can cause extreme distress. I know some providers who are doing this via telemedicine, and if not it’s essential to find a way to get an in-person appointments as soon as possible.

Sometimes, starting hormones (and waiting to see their effects) can feel very slow. I’ve heard clients say they wish they could sleep for a few months and wake up with some changes having taken effect. For my clients who started hormones just prior to the quarantine, this is an incredibly unique opportunity for them to stay at home and wait for changes before emerging back out into society. As one of my clients (who started Testosterone just before sheltering in place) put it, “It’s like I can stay in this little cocoon while I undergo a bit of transformation!” I’m enjoying witnessing these little positive opportunities given to my clients in this largely difficult and unexpected circumstance.

Have YOU noticed any opportunities afforded by the quarantine? Please comment below.

This blog outlines some unique opportunities presented to transgender individuals during a quarantine, but is not meant to minimize the struggles quarantine can present for the general population or transgender folk. My friend and colleague, Dr. Huong Diep, wrote an article about the unique challenges that can be presented during this time.  Click here to read the article.

Published in: on April 21, 2020 at 5:22 pm  Comments (3)  

New and Improved Gender Worksheet for Kids!

Language and knowledge is always evolving, therefore so should my gender worksheets! 🙂 Here is the most recent version of my worksheet, always evolving and being updated.  I found a way to expand the concepts of gender, while hoping to keep it as simple as possible for the little ones. Please feel free to utilize this with your child or in your practice!

The best way to do it is to read over the information at the top without pausing or looking at the child. Then, when it’s time to “fill in the blanks”, poise your pen over the answers and wait to hear the child say them. Try your best not to look at them or have a reaction. This helps avoid “leading” them in any way or have them change their answers based on your response.

I hope many of you find this helpful! Feedback welcome!

newworksheet2019

Published in: on August 3, 2017 at 12:00 pm  Comments (1)  

Can’t Stop the Feeling: Video Montage

In 2015, I had a lot of fun creating a fun and uplifting video montage to Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off” video. To view that video, click HERE.

I decided it was time to create a new one! This year, I used “Can’t Stop the Feeling” by Justin Timberlake. I had such a wonderful time putting together all the videos people sent me. To see the JOY on these faces touches my heart in a way that is hard to explain. I hope you enjoy watching it as much as I enjoyed creating it!  Click HERE.

 

Published in: on June 26, 2017 at 10:03 am  Comments (7)  

“Blank Slate” Parenting

A big part of what I do is helping individuals explore their gender, assert their true gender identity, and help family members adjust to transitions that occur. In addition to this, I’m a big believer in changing our society’s understanding of gender so that we can pave an easier path for LGBT youth (and adults, for that matter!). In my presentations, I talk about Blank Slate Parenting as a way to point out parents really don’t know the gender and sexual orientation of their child until the child/teen is able to share it with them.  I also included this concept in my book, The Conscious Parent’s Guide to Gender Identity. Here is the excerpt:

“Blank slate” parenting is the ability for a parent to enter into parenthood without too many assumptions and expectations. This may sound difficult, but it is possible. Most parents enter into parenthood with some basic assumptions: their child is going to be cisgender (their gender identity “matches” their birth sex), gender conforming (their interests and expressions are in line with what most expect from their birth gender), and heterosexual. Considering that many children are not these things, these assumptions may be inaccurate and possibly detrimental for both the parent and the child. Unless a parent is having an intersex baby, the parent will likely find out they are having a natal male or a natal female, either during the pregnancy or when the baby is born. Once this is revealed, all sorts of associations are created! If the child is a natal male (born with male anatomy), the parents will likely assume the child will always identify as a boy and will engage in the “typical” interests and affinities of most boys. If the child is a natal female (born with female anatomy), the parents will assume that she will always identify as a girl and will engage in the “typical” interests and affinities of what society expects girls to be interested in. If the child is a natal female, parents often assume they will one day be interested in males. If the child is a natal male, parents often assume they will one day be interested in females.

Even if these assumptions are not explicitly stated, they will implicitly become the foundation of what your child understands is expected of them. Children have an inherent need to please their parents, so feeling “other than” what their parents expect can range from uncomfortable to downright scary. Anything other than what has been envisioned and assumed results in the parents needing to make a “shift” in what they had expected. The nature of the shift will depend on how tied the parents are to their expectations, and what this difference means to them personally, socially, and culturally.

What if, instead of adopting these basic assumptions, parents remained open to who or what their child is or will become? What if parents provided a blank canvas for their child to paint, rather than providing a paint-by-numbers template? What if society evolved to the extent that people understood the difference between sex and gender, and the knowledge that some people are simply born transgender? Imagine how much easier it would be if parents understood not to get too attached to the sex of their child at birth! What if parents learned to ask “Do you feel like a boy or a girl? Both? Or neither?” instead of telling the child who they are based on anatomy?

What if society at large acknowledged being gay/lesbian/bisexual as a natural way to be, a way of being that is just as valid and recognized as heterosexual? What if parents learned to say, “Do you like boys or girls? Both? Or neither?” instead of making assumptions of a heteronormative nature?

Parenting from a blank slate standpoint would essentially eliminate the “coming out” process. Children would be able to evolve and share as their identities developed. They would not have to hide parts of who they are for fear they might be disappointing their parents. They would not have to overcome the expectations/assumptions that were placed on them at birth. They would simply be their authentic selves, and parents would know these selves sooner rather than later.

Rather than making assumptions, ask questions, often and early, to help learn who your child is. The questions will serve two purposes: you will learn about your child, and your child will learn that there is a beautiful spectrum of human diversity, not just boxes in which one has to fit. In order to provide a blank slate for your child so that they can be free to display their authentic self, you must be mindful of your own projections and assumptions. Such things impede the ability of your child have an actual blank slate on which to create. Recognize your child is their own individual being, and that you are lucky to witness their true self unfold. Remain curious about how this little individual will turn out. Your message to your child, both implicitly and explicitly should always be: “Any way you are is OK.”

More tips for “blank slate” parenting:

  • Instead of assuming and then waiting for them to correct you, ask about who your child is.
  • Expose them to and talk about diversity: different family structures, identities, and communities.
  • Be aware of language. Avoid using the gender dichotomy like “boys and girls”. Try not to use strongly gendered language to refer to your child and others. Incorporate many gender-neutral phrases and expressions to allow more space for your child to decide how they relate to gender.

Excerpted from The Conscious Parent’s Guide to Gender Identity: A Mindful Approach to Embracing Your Child’s Authentic Self by Darlene Tando. Copyright © 2016 F+W Media, Inc.  Used by permission of the publisher. All rights reserved

This excerpt was also recently featured on the Mother.ly website here. 

Published in: on September 2, 2016 at 2:32 pm  Comments (14)  

My Book: The Conscious Parent’s Guide to Gender Identity

Many of you have probably been wondering why my blog has been so inactive lately. Well, I wrote a book! F + W Media, Inc. has a series called “The Conscious Parent’s Guide To…” about a number of different topics. They wanted to publish one on gender identity, found me through this blog, and asked me to write it! I was happy to have the opportunity to write about how to best support gender expansive kids to a more wide-reaching audience. I truly hope it helps a lot of families.

The book is ideal for parents/guardians of gender expansive kids, but could also be useful for extended family members, therapists, teachers; anyone involved in a gender expansive child’s life. Click here to order your copy: The Conscious Parent’s Guide to Gender Identity: A Mindful Approach to Embracing Your Child’s Authentic Self.

I do want to add that I did not write Chapter 1. Chapter 1 is the standard chapter for all of the Conscious Parent’s Guides. I only added in the parts related to gender. So, if you don’t love Chapter 1- keep going. 🙂 If you liked Chapter 1 best, sorry. 😉

In addition to the overview in Chapter 1 about conscious parenting, there are ways to incorporate being a mindful, conscious parent throughout the book. This is so much more than just being “present”, it’s about recognizing your little human as a separate being, with their own unique will and spirit. I write about how to best connect with your child in order to be most receptive to what they are trying to tell you.

I write about the differences between gender and sex, gender identity and sexual orientation, gender expression vs. gender identity, and what gender “expansiveness” really is. This not only helps those involved in a gender expansive child’s life understand these concepts, but helps explain them to others.

I discuss the concept of getting to know one’s child for who they are from the beginning, rather than making assumptions that later need to be shifted or undone. I write about parenting gender expansive children, and the difference between being transgender and “just” gender expansive. In the book you will find practical tips for interacting with and advocating for your gender expansive and/or transgender child, while learning how to trust yourself and appreciate life at the same time.

Later in the book there is more specific information for families who have a child in need of social or medical transition: how/when to navigate interventions, coping with outside influences/reactions, siblings, extended family, schools, etc. There is a specific chapter dedicated to “helping your gender expansive child with teasing”, based on the concepts I present at gender conferences. There is also a specific chapter dedicated to dysphoria, which is important for everyone involved in a transgender child’s life to understand.

The appendixes include some resources I hope you will find helpful, including ways of looking at natal sex/gender identity/gender expression/sexual orientation on spectrums, or on more of a fluid shape. There is a list of “Classroom Rules” to help classrooms promote diversity. There is also a worksheet for children who may need some help in understanding when a friend or loved one is going through transition. Last but not least, there is a sample letter from parents informing their loved ones about their child’s social transition.

Let me know how you like the book, and leave an honest review on Amazon! Thank you so much for your ongoing support of this blog, I promise to get back to writing regular posts soon.

Published in: on July 26, 2016 at 2:01 pm  Comments (2)  
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One’s “True” Gender

What defines someone’s “true” gender? Some people would say “true” gender is defined by the genitalia one had at birth. Those of us who know better know that one’s “true” gender is the one that exists in the brain.

This concept may be different for children and adults. Children are concrete thinkers, while adults are capable of much more abstract thinking. Genitalia is concrete; the gender identity in one’s brain is more of an abstract concept.

In addition to this, as a part of a child’s moral development, the importance in “telling the truth” is given much significance. “Lying” or deceiving someone is frowned upon, and children are often punished for it. As a child gets older, there is a development of the understanding of truth, honesty, and conscience. Where does “truth” come from when we are children? For things that are simple, the truth comes from ourselves. For things that are less simple, or more unknown to us, the truth tends to come from the adults who are in charge of us.

When I was at my good friend’s daughter’s second birthday party, a bee buzzed around the child’s head while she was eating her cupcake. She exclaimed “A bee!” right as it flew away. Her mother, who had not seen it, said in a playful way, “Nooooo, that was not a bee, it was a fly!”. The child looked at her mom’s face, paused and thought a second, then got a big smile on her face and said, “Yah! A fly!”. She had been right (and her mother wrong), but she didn’t care. The smile she shared with her mom and the contentment that came from their agreed-upon reality was all she needed. How many children are told their reality from a very young age? How many children are told, “you can’t wear a dress, you’re a boy!” or “of course you don’t have a penis, you’re a girl!”. Often, those “you’re a boy” and “you’re a girl” statements are absorbed by the young children as TRUTH. Anything other than what their trusted guardians are telling them must be a lie, or something to be kept to themselves. Only the minority of transgender children will be insistent and assert their truth over the protests of their parent(s).

This moral development and ability to grasp abstract concepts can influence a child’s ability to understand their own gender identity, assert their true gender, desire to transition, and/or their desire to be read in larger society as their desired gender.

Have I lost you? Let me be clear. An enlightened, insightful transgender adult may begin the process of transitioning and being seen for the gender identity that matches what is in their brain. For example, a Female-to-Male transgender individual starts the transition process and is very pleased when a stranger in the grocery store addresses him as “Sir”. Does he feel deceitful and as though he is not telling the truth? Not likely. For him, he understands his “true” gender identity is male and it is ok to be seen as male and assert himself as male.

This is a bit trickier for a child, particularly a latency-age child who is learning the concepts of “right and wrong”, honesty, and the concept of guilt. I have heard many parents say “she gets MAD when people think she’s a boy! You’d think she’d be happy”. (On the other hand, there are kids who are thrilled when they are perceived as their preferred gender and would never tell the stranger otherwise! As I always say, everyone is different. :)) Often times, if the child gets mad, parents look to this as a possible clue that their child may not be transgender. I tend to think it has to do more with concrete thinking and the desire to be “honest”. One way to help children understand it’s ok to be true to themselves is to explain the difference between anatomical sex and brain gender identity, as well as the fact that their brain gender identity is who they “truly” are. This gives them the green light to relax and know that when they assert their preferred gender, they are in fact, telling the truth.

Some of my transgender kids, after they transition, are told by peers, “but you’re really a girl” or “you’re really a boy”. These peers aren’t necessarily being mean; they are simply asserting what they know concretely (body) and enforcing what they think is the TRUTH. Part of my work with my young clients is then to help them understand that who they “really” are is who they are in their “brain” and their “heart”, and give them language to help their peers understand as well. Of course to help everyone (kids and adults alike!), the focus has to be on a societal shift of understanding what someone’s gender really is. If gender continues to be defined by bodies, then confusion, misunderstandings and stigma will continue.

How comfortable are you in your own “truth”? Did it take you a while to fully understand who you are on the inside is who you “really” are? Was there anything that helped you come around to this understanding?

Published in: on November 13, 2015 at 3:58 pm  Comments (5)  
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Stop Trans Pathologization*: Some People Are Transgender, and Some People Are Not

Just like any variation of the human condition, some people are left-handed, and some people are not. Some people have two different colored eyes, and some people don’t. Some people are allergic to dairy, and some people are not.

Some people are transgender, and some people are not.

In some of the trainings I do, I ask the question: when is gender pathological? It’s basically a trick question, because gender isn’t pathological. Gender just is. It has neither good nor bad qualities. Yes, distress can come from feeling like your exterior presentation does not match your brain gender identity, and distress can come from society not understanding your gender, but gender in and of itself isn’t distressing. It just is, and we all have a gender identity even if that gender identity means not having a gender at all.

Some people are transgender, and some people are not.

Parents come to me with various theories for why their child may be transgender, or at least “presenting” as transgender. I’ve heard many different theories over the course of my years in working with transgender children, and many similar ones. I think space needs to be held for these parents wondering “why?”, and their theories should be listened to and considered. However, sooner rather than later there needs to be a time to take the “why?” and replace that with “OK, now what?”. In the end, the “why” doesn’t really matter. What matters is the child’s happiness.

My theory?

Some people are transgender, and some people are not.

Some people wrongly believe that being transgender is some form or sign of mental illness. In fact, even some professionals will use the term “co-occurring” when they speak of someone being transgender along with having a mental illness. Being transgender is not a mental illness. There is not a certain “type” of person with a certain set of presenting problems who is transgender.

Say it with me:

Some people are transgender, and some people are not.

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*This blog post is going live on October, 24, 2015, the International Day of Action for Trans Depathologization, an annual day created by Campaign Stop Trans Pathologization. Let’s stop pathologizing gender… because simply some people are transgender, and some people are not. 🙂

Published in: on October 24, 2015 at 1:01 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Legal Name and Gender Change: Detailed Information with SAMPLE PACKETS (California)

UPDATED 5/16/18: This blog post was originally published 3 years ago. While the general information remains relatively current, the forms and some of the links are outdated. I will update soon; in the meantime please visit your local court’s website for forms. If you are in San Diego, there is a free clinic to help with name and gender marker changes, held once a month. Please email TransClinic.SanDiego@gmail.com. Thank you!

I have been meaning to post this for quite a while, but I have been shorter on time than I have on good intentions. 🙂 I know this is something that many people need assistance with, as filing a name and gender change (for yourself or your child) can be a daunting undertaking. Please keep in mind it typically takes 6 weeks from filing the documents to court date with a completed court order.

I want to give a huge “thank you” to Emmett for putting together a list of step-by-step instructions for filing a name and gender change and providing me with the court paperwork for an adult. Also, special thanks to Britt for providing the sample paperwork for a name/gender change for a minor.

I took the paperwork and filled out “sample” packets for each. The areas you need to fill out are highlighted. These didn’t scan well, so I apologize for the poor quality. If you have any trouble reading them, please let me know and I will either re-scan or I can answer specific questions. The files are too large to email. I know these are specific for San Diego, but I hope they will be useful to those in other parts of the state as well. If you are one of my clients and see me in my office, please ask me for a copy of the sample packets- I have several on hand!

Click here for the Transgender Law Center’s page with links to forms needed. (San Diego County link listed below.) For those of you not in San Diego, simply Google your county and “name and gender change”. PLEASE NOTE, DUE TO AB1121,  IF YOU ARE CHANGING YOUR NAME TO REFLECT YOUR GENDER IDENTITY, YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO PUBLISH ANYTHING IN THE NEWSPAPER. If the court is unaware of this, educate them.

Here is the Transgender Law Center’s awesome resource, “ID Please” that includes UPDATED information on changing name, gender, etc.  If you are interested in pursuing a name and gender change, start on page 9. If you ONLY need to change your child’s gender marker (keeping birth name), and your child was born in California: click here.

Filing the packet costs $435 (at least in San Diego), but the fee can be waived based on low income. (“In Forma Pauperis“.)

Youth (minor) name and gender change sample packet HERE.

Adult name and gender change sample packet HERE.

BEFORE YOUR COURT DATE

(Thanks again to Emmett for these detailed notes!)

Print all necessary forms and fill them out (or have them filled out, as is the case for the doctor one, NC-210). Here is the website for printing the forms for San Diego.

Forms needed for an both an adult or a minor name/gender change:

CM-010

NC-220

NC-230

NC-200

NC-210

NC-110

-Make a copy of signed/filled out paperwork for your records. Bring the original packet and a copy of the packet to 330 W. Broadway. (Downtown San Diego).

-Once you pass the security check, take the escalator up to the second floor & the Civil Business area.

-It can be a little confusing, so ask someone if you are lost.

-Get in line on the far left of the room and wait to file your forms with the clerk.

-They will go over all your forms, stamp them and give you a case number.

-They may try to tell you that you need to publish your name change, REMEMBER that AB 1121 went into effect July 1, 2014 that states that a person changing their name for gender purposes is not required to publish.

-They will give you a court hearing date and time.

DURING YOUR COURT DATE

-Show up early.

-Bring both copies of all the documents and a pen.

-Give yourself time to find the court room.

-Sit down and wait outside.

-A lot of people will likely start showing up because people legally change their names for a variety of reasons (marriage, divorce, etc).

-Someone will come out and point to a list that is up on the wall. The list has everyone’s name on it and a number next to it. Find out what number you are and write it down. They call out cases by number and sometimes last name (so don’t worry about your birth name being called out!)

-They sometimes call in everyone that is getting both a name and gender change first because there are fewer people and it’s a more private matter than a marriage.

-You will get called in, you will be seated, the judge will come in, they will review your documents, and if everything is in order: declare your new legal name. (Congratulations!)

-After that they will tell you to go wait outside and they will bring you four signed copies of the court order.

-Do not worry about your physical appearance or gender presentation. If all the forms are filled out, especially the physician form, the judge does not care.

-You can leave and celebrate. 🙂

AFTER YOUR COURT DATE

Your work is not done! There are more documents to change that had your birth name on them. These documents are supposed to “match” in the system, so this is important. Here’s the order you must go in.

1) Social security

-1333 Front St, San Diego, CA 92101. (855) 820-0097

-Fill out this form for a CORRECTED social security card

–You’ll need to bring your court order (form NC-230), identification (driver’s license, ID or passport) and the form above filled out.

-No need to make an appointment, just walk in and take a number.

-Allow 4-6 weeks for the card to come in the mail.

-IMPORTANT The form does not include a specific gender change. So in the “sex” section mark the gender that you legally changed to (transmasculine folks mark male, transfeminine folks mark female) and make sure to point it out on the form when they call you up. It doesn’t say your gender marker on the card, but it does in their system, and that’s how the DMV verifies your gender when you go there to change your documents. Confirm they have changed it in their system.

2) DMV

-Go to whichever DMV is closest to you. Make an appointment, or get there early.

-Fill out this form with your doctor BEFORE going to the DMV

–You’ll need to bring your court order (form NC-230), identification (driver’s license or ID) and the form above filled out.

-You will also need to fill out form DL 44 (name change), but they give you that when you show up.

-They’ll call you up, review your forms, tell you everything is good and send you over to get a new photo taken.

-Allow 4-6 weeks for you Driver’s license to come in the mail. They will send you an ID card sooner than that.

3) Bank

-IMPORTANT you must have your updated ID or driver’s license BEFORE going to your bank. They use it as proof that you are who you say you are.

-Go in and ask to see a teller.

-Bring your court order (just in case), and your new ID or driver’s license.

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In the near future I will be posting more detailed information about how to change your birth certificate and password- stay tuned!

If you have any information that would be helpful to add to this blog post, please email me at tandotherapy@me.com

One more time, here are the sample packets!

MINOR PACKET

ADULT PACKET

Published in: on October 16, 2015 at 1:52 pm  Comments (12)  
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Private Vs. Secret

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When it comes to disclosing one’s transgender status, I encourage my clients to think about it in terms of PRIVATE or SECRET. Some people are more private in general than others. Some people will tell others pretty much everything about their lives, while others try to keep most things private. Both are ok, as long as the individual is the one doing the deciding about what to keep private and what to share. Just as most things land on a spectrum, so does one’s feelings about exactly how private being transgender is. Some are “out and proud”, being the first in line to wave the transgender flag in the Trans* Pride parade. Others, on the other end of the spectrum, guard it like a deep, dark secret; one they feel could devastate them if others were to find out.

In my opinion, one can land on this spectrum based on temperament, upbringing, personal background, etc. I will say that those on the “secret” end of the spectrum seem to experience more intense dysphoria and internal distress than those who have a healthier relationship with being transgender. Sometimes it does seem to be in the client’s best interest to shift from “secret” to “private”.

This entry was originally written as a Social Skills Group topic, so the wording may seem relatively elementary. It is for that reason that this can be shared with both kids and adults! If you have a child who is either very private about their transgender experience or is contemplating who to tell, this would be good to read together and process.

For the purpose of this post, here is what I mean by “private” and “secret”:

PRIVATE: Something about you not everyone needs to or should know.

SECRET: Something you don’t want anyone to know.

Secrets can be fun, like you what you are going to give someone for Christmas. Or, if someone is throwing someone a surprise party, they will want you to keep that a SECRET from the recipient. Secrets like these are important because they are about doing something nice for someone else. Other secrets are not healthy, such as an adult asking a child to keep a secret from their parent. Other secrets are not good or bad, but might be important to others. For example, if your friend tells you who they have a crush on, they might ask you to keep it a “secret”. Of course, what you look like under your clothes is private! Only a child’s parents, guardians, or doctors should see their body for the purpose of keeping them healthy and taken care of. For older individuals, they can choose with whom to share their bodies in a more intimate setting.

An important qualification I want you to keep in mind is that personal information about you should be considered PRIVATE, and not necessarily SECRET. I believe this results in less stress, more self-acceptance, less anxiety, and more confidence. Mainly this has to do with how you guard the information in your head and in your heart. If you feel like there are some things about you which you would rather not have everyone know, or would choose only a few people to know, that’s okay. If you have a secret that you feel like “I would just DIE if anyone knew!”, that can affect your mental health negatively. If you feel you have a secret like this, it’s time to do some self-exploration. Do you feel this way about being transgender? If yes, why? Do you consider it a bad thing? If yes, begin working on having a more positive relationship with yourself and your history. Talk to a therapist, parent, or trusted friend about it. Try to figure out why this feels so secretive to you and how you may be able to evolve into considering it private information instead.

The truth is, no matter what information you have about yourself, it won’t ACTUALLY be the end of the world if others find out. You might feel exposed for a little bit, but you would be ok. If you feel like the “secret” getting out would be the end of the world, you might be spending more time feeling more worried or unhappy than you need to. Feeling like it is “private” instead may help you feel better about it in general and less worried about others finding out.

Here’s a visual for you: think of personal (private) information as being kept behind a fence with a gate. There is a boundary around the information, and not everyone can get in. YOU get to decide for whom to open the gate, or who gets to know your information. Remember that everyone you tell your private information to now has a key to the gate, and can let others in without your permission. This is why you want to stop and think before you share private information . Also, you can remind yourself that if others you had not intended to know find out, “It’s ok, I can handle this”.

Think of having a secret as guarding it like a castle with a tall wall, drawbridge, and moat with alligators around it. You are guarding it very aggressively, making SURE no one finds out. The problem is, having such walls around you and guarding your secret can eventually make you feel very alone. This is why having a fence with a gate (private information) is better than having secrets (castle with many guarding factors).

If someone asks you a question about your personal information, STOP AND THINK if you would like this person to know your personal information. If yes, share with them and then ask them to keep it private. Remember, you have no control over whether or not they actually will keep it private. If you do not feel comfortable sharing, or don’t want to risk others sharing this information, you can say something like this:

  • “That’s personal.”
  • “I don’t want to talk about that.”
  • “I’d rather not say.”
  • “That’s private”.

You don’t need to apologize about not sharing; it’s your gate, you get to decide for whom to open it! 🙂

If you are transgender, where do you land on the “private vs. secret” spectrum? Do you have some shifting you can do?

If you are sharing this blog with a child, please feel free to complete the attached exercise with them. (Some adults may find it useful, too!). Ask them to write down in the column next to the listed information whether the information is “private”, “secret”, or “open”.

Private/Secret/Open Worksheet

Published in: on September 8, 2015 at 5:23 pm  Comments (12)  
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The Catalyst: When Being Transgender is Brought Into Conscious Awareness

Say you’re visiting a foreign city and you’ve been sightseeing all day. So many things to do and see, you’ve been going nonstop. Suddenly you see a menu hanging outside the door of a restaurant with a picture of the most delicious looking pasta you’ve ever seen. Suddenly aware of how hungry you are, you exclaim to your companion, “I’m STARVING!!” The two of you quickly agree to go inside the restaurant for a meal and begin pouring over the menu to see what other options are available.

Despite the common phrase, “Stop talking about that! You’re making me hungry!”, nothing but time and lack of food can actually make someone hungry. Did the picture on the menu actually create the existence of hunger? No, of course not. You were hungry because you had been active and had not eaten in a while. The menu simply made you aware of your hunger; it was the catalyst.

Such is the same with anything that sparks a transgender person’s “AHA” moment. Unless the person is someone who was insistent about their gender identity from early childhood, many individuals can name what it was that brought their being transgender into conscious awareness. For some, this is a person; either the person understands about gender identity and could explain it to them in a way that made sense, or the person had experience themselves with gender nonconformity. Often times this person will be significant to the transgender individual’s journey because of the help they provided in coming to understand themselves. Sadly, for some loved ones the person who was the catalyst becomes the person who is blamed for influencing the transgender individual. However, no one becomes transgender just because their friend is or because someone explains the notion of being transgender. One is either transgender or not; nothing another person can say or do can change it.

I will say that another person can influence the journey, or the transition, of the transgender individual. Influences by other people can either speed up or slow down the transition process. However, the transition is more an intervention to the state of being transgender and is not necessarily a good thing to be avoided. Read more about the separation of these two concepts in my blog post “What Are You Going to Do About it?”

Other means by which someone may be triggered into understanding themselves and their true gender identity are often mainstream media, books, and of course, the internet. I’ve heard some parents lament the existence of the internet, feeling certain if it did not exist their child would never have learned about this and would therefore not be transgender. I have to gently remind them that their child would still be transgender, but they may not be consciously aware of it or know what options are available for it until much later. (Again, this is not necessarily a good thing. For those who feel the need to transition, early medical intervention can be very beneficial. For those who identify as nonbinary or under the trans* umbrella, they may come to understand their gender identity and how to ask others to respect it much earlier than they might otherwise have.) A catalyst is not causal; it does not cause the existence of something. It simply allows for awareness that something exists. In many ways, the catalyst has an extremely important job and is an essential part of the process. Just as that menu was the catalyst to help you recognize (and do something about) your hunger before you were collapsing from low blood sugar in the middle of a foreign town square, such is the case with something triggering awareness of being transgender. Transgender people may be grateful to the person or thing that brought this into their conscious awareness; maybe someday their loved ones will be too.

Do you think a catalyst can be causal?

If you are transgender, do you remember your catalyst? What was it?

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Published in: on August 17, 2015 at 9:53 pm  Comments (12)  
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